From the profound to the profane…
Overheard at improv show with audience participation:
“What do you do for a living?”
“Investment banker.”
“What do you do for fun in your spare time?”
“Mushrooms.”
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Overheard on the train:
“The bouncer took away my Juul. It must be bad karma for something I did. But at least I am not arrested, or broke, or dead. So life is still good.”
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Overheard from someone arguing on the phone:
“I have a bigger plan for my life.”
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Overheard from rabbi at a wedding in my hotel:
“Mazel tov! And now you can make out.”
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Overheard from disillusioned voter:
“I want new blood and new ideas in Washington. Just not his.”
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Overheard at Society:
“She started playing pool when you were still a twinkle in your daddy’s ballsack.”
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Overheard by the pool:
“We got tired of watching Fake News so we switched the channel to something more accurate: Star Wars.”
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Overheard from a bar aficionado:
“I was devastated when the old Max Fish closed. Didn’t know what to do with myself. I almost quit drinking, but then managed to reel myself back in.”
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Overheard at the Regionals:
“I lost.” “Yeah, but you are still winning at life.”
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Overheard from a securities lawyer:
“You can put Satanic messages in your risk factors and people will still make the investment.”
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Overheard from Presidential debate observer:
“I kept waiting for him to call her a bitch. Maybe he’s saving that for the final debate.”
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Overheard at a pool hall:
“Sometimes I talk to my balls.”
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Overheard at work:
“I feel like Hillary, deleting all these emails.”
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Overheard from a sports fan:
“I hope they are all doping. I want to see better games. Everyone plays better when they are on drugs.”
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Overheard from a Brooklyn criminal lawyer:
“У моих клиентов всегда деньги есть. И даже когда нет, быстро у кого-то находят. Чемоданчики приносят.”
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Overheard from a US government old hand:
“I had security clearance for 15 years. I never learned anything that wasn’t in the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal.”
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Overheard from a deep thinker:
“I don’t like watching TV. I prefer reading books. I don’t want someone manipulating the images that I see. With books, I get to create my own image in my head.”
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Overheard in the parking lot:
“That’s not a good picture of you.” “Yeah, but I got 16 likes for it.”
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Overheard in the Village:
“The person who invents a device that allows you to have full body virtual reality sex with someone else remotely will be the world’s first trillionaire.”
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Overheard from a party animal:
“I had a Colombian weekend.”
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Overheard from wife:
“Being a parent automatically makes you a doctor.”
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Overheard at a bar:
“I am a fountain of Soviet and ancient knowledge.”
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Overheard at the Regionals:
“If we end up playing each other, don’t take the ass-whooping personally.”
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Overheard from wife:
“Marriage is all about putting up with each other’s bullshit.”
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Overheard on a conference call:
“My Deal Beard is on. I’m not shaving until this deal gets signed.”
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Overheard at an industry conference:
“I don’t really want my competitors to feel miserable. But it’s kind of nice when they do.”
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Overheard from another lawyer:
“I didn’t always want to be a lawyer. But I always wanted to give people advice. Because I’m always right.”
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Overheard at the restaurant:
“Our son was still breast-fed at 5 years old. But only on special occasions.” “Well, it took me until 14 when I finally quit cold turkey. MWAHAHAHAHAH.”
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Overheard travel planning:
“Having food allergies in Paris would be unacceptable.”
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Overheard at the nursing home:
“She never trusted that young man, because of his curly mustache. Anyone who devotes so much time to grooming his mustache must be either insecure or conceited.”
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“Why did our building just shake? Was that an earthquake?”
“Doesn’t matter. I have my sword. We will be OK.”
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Overheard at the steakhouse:
“Would you like to see the wine list?”
“Yes. We are alcoholics.”
“That’s OK, I won’t judge.”
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Mock trial at home. My son’s chosen job? Prosecutioner.
“This way, I can indict people AND carry out the sentence.” Result? Stuffed Bear found guilty of murdering Picachu. The punishment was severe.
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You know it will be a day of cliches when the first conference call of the morning ends with: “At the end of the day, it is what it is.”
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Overheard at the barber shop:
“Ты заебал, мудачьё. С клиентами надо вежливо разговаривать.”
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Overheard at Society:
“We have a drinking team with a pool problem.”
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Overheard at Russian Vodka Room:
“Тост: за то, что мы не там.”
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Overheard at a bar:
“When you’re drunk, anything can seem like a good idea.”
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Overheard at the bar:
“Is he your boyfriend?” “Kind of. He’s my boyfriend when I want him to be my boyfriend.”. “I hear you. I’m the same way with my ex.”
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Overheard at the store:
“Dude, I watched a documentary about McDonalds and how they make Chicken McNuggets. And that made me, like, feel not very good about myself. Cause I love Chicken McNuggets.”
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Overheard from another Russian-American parent:
“I didn’t try to teach my son Russian. I didn’t want him to get any ideas about going there.”
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Overheard on Skype during a Minecraft epic battle:
“If you keep hammering the villagers on the head, they will crumble.”
“Dude, I need to take a break. Mom says I have to finish the pancake.”
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Overheard near the gym:
“The only way to do it is to do it.”
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Overheard on the 1:53 (the last train out of town):
“I want to kill all people who suck!”
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Overheard at work:
“Their memo looks very pretty. Love the crisp font and nifty bullet points. It almost obscures the fact that their substance is 100% deep-fried bullshit.”
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Overheard at a bar:
“I need to incorporate myself so all my expenses become deductible.”
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Overheard at a cocktail party:
“When the FBI did my security clearance, they asked why I went to a Communist dance party 16 years ago.”
“Wow. What did you answer?”
“That I was just trying to get laid. I got the job.”
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Overheard at Bleecker Bar:
“The older I get, the less patience I have for not having that second drink around when the first one runs out. So I order them both up front.”
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“That’s OK papa, you won this one. But I already have a plan of how to dominate you in the future.”
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Overheard at work:
“I try to read every email that I get. I don’t bother reading the ones I don’t get.”
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Advice from waiter:
“Pork is pork. Chicken is a little lighter.”
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Overheard from an 80-year old:
“I take 60 pills a day. It’s the golden years!”
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Overheard at a buffet that has a $10 all-you-can-drink beer and Bloody Mary special:
“With each gulp, the marginal cost of my drink goes down.”
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Best work quote of the week:
“I cannot keep up with all these emails anymore. Can we just have a call?”
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Overheard on Park Avenue:
“I don’t do drugs. I am a blonde, so I am already starting with a deficit.”
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Overheard at Barfly:
“Не люблю возвращаться в Совчину. Там люди противные.”
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Overheard from the shoe shine guy:
“You look like you need a shoe shine. That’s where I come in. I am a Doctor of Shoeology.”
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“Stop eating all this bread. It’s just carbohydrates.”
“Yeah, mama, but they are TASTY carbohydrates!”
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“Papa, get ready for my Ultimate Taunt.”
“I am ready.”
“You are going down, old man.”
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Overheard in Helsinki:
“Не понимаю меню. Тут всё по-бусурмански написано.”
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Overheard from a distressed debt trader:
“This guy seems very horny to buy my debt. I must be getting screwed on price.”
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Overheard on the train:
“If someone steals your cell phone, there should be a button that lets you blow up the phone and the fucker who stole it.”
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Overheard in the elevator:
“Back in my day, musicians and singers used to wear tuxedos and bowties when they were performing. Now, they hardly wear any clothes at all.”
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Overheard on the street (and I will try to use it verbatim in our next client update memo):
“When those tax f**king deductions expire, it’s gonna f**k a lot of people.”
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Overheard at the nursing home:
“Stop telling me to chew the food. I have no teeth!”
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Overheard on the subway:
“Не люблю ходить в Самовар. Там теплая водка и потные бабы. А в Рюмочной все наоборот. Там теплые бабы и запотевший от мороза графин водки.”
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Overheard on a conference call:
“Sir, I thought the speed limit was 30 not 20.” “Yeah but it doesn’t matter because you were going 89.”
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Overheard at Mari Vanna:
“Я буду criminal law заниматься. Бандитов всегда будет много, а когда recession их даже больше.”
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Overheard on Brighton Beach:
“Я про тебя все факты знаю, сволочь. Из первоисточников!”
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Trash talk overheard at Paddy’s:
“I’ve got more than you can handle, honey!”
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Overheard at the Petroushka Ball:
“Они все женатые!”
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Lawyer:
“Here is a list of 15 restrictions that the other side wants to impose on you in the contract.” Client: “Those all seemed OK to me. But we should add an exception saying that I can do whatever I need to do.”
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Overheard in a sports bar:
“I am very skilled with my fists. I just don’t want to use them on you.”
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Overheard in a pool hall:
“I’m so good, it should be illegal.”
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Overheard on Brighton Beach:
“Я трачу бешеные деньги на этого ребёнка. А когда она вырастет, она мне и копейки не даст. — Нет, мама. Одну копейку я тебе дам.”